Lazily I set off for Bahia because I really wanted to see this gigantic tortoise that made the cruise from the Galapagos to the coast. The sailors would take these defenseless creatures and chuck them in the boat for long sea passages. They could live on their backs for months and would provide sailors with fresh meat later in their journey. Luckily this guy was not eaten and ended up in an ¨Eco-School¨ in a Bahia.
It was a short ride from Canoa to Bahia, 22 km, with a free boat ride over a river estuary. I checked into a 5 dollar hotel, showered up, and then ate lunch at a place filled with locals. After eating I heard a couple speaking English at a table across the way, which is strange because Bahia is not a major tourist destination. People usually go to Canoa or Montañita.
We chatted it up a bit, and they led me to their hostel while they left to go swim. Lucky for me Ted was sitting out front of the hostel sipping on boxed wine and reading a hardcover book about the history of Latin America before the conquistadors arrived. Upon first glance you know Ted is going to be an interesting guy. At 57 he has a full head of gray hair trimmed into a mullet. A fine specimen: 7.5 on the mullitude scale.
Caption "Ted, the man. And one of those hands of his."
Caption "Ted, the man. And one of those hands of his."It is just the two of us and we hit it off splendidly because he loves to talk and I love to listen after setting him up with questions that he loves to knock down. Set it up...knock it down.
I started him off slowly talking about boating since he has been on the sea since 13. From there about women, Latin America, America, etc...it goes on, and then he mentioned he had a pension back from his military days. A few minutes later after we had moved onto other topics I brought up his dangling hint again.
¨So, what war did you serve in?¨ I ask knowing full well he is a Vietnam vet.
¨How did you know?¨ he quickly asked with a raised eyebrow and a sideways glance.
¨You mentioned your pension a moment ago,¨ I replied.
He lets out a sigh, his chair squeaks back when he gets up and says, ¨Ah hell. What do you drink?¨
He comes back with a large afternoon beer and more boxed wine. ¨I usually drink rum. Rum is my drink, but today I am drinking wine,¨ as if he has to legitimatize his drink to me. Ok.
¨I served in Vietnam,¨ was his answer from no where.
¨How was that?¨
¨I don`t go there.¨
¨Gotcha.¨ A pregnant pause passes and we sipped our drinks, ¨Being a Vietnam vet do you have a theory of why we were over there?¨
¨It`s obvious, right? To stop the spread of Communism. If Vietnam fell then they would have all fallen to Communism, right?¨ he says with a sarcastic smile.
¨So why do you think it was if it was not that? Personally I think it was money. The USA needs to keep the military industrial complex going or our economy will disappear,¨ I realized I should not have said anything so he could have talked freely without being influenced but I felt I had to add something to the conversation.
¨Ya, that too, but you know 58,000 men died in that war. Now do you think that Bush would be in office today if those 58,000 men were not killed in action? They killed those good men to keep themselves in power, THAT is why we were sent to Vietnam,¨was his adamant response.
I wanted to ask him if Bush won by 58,000 votes or if they checked whether they guys that were killed we registered Democrats or Republicans, but I knew he had lost his mind and I decided to pass on rilling him up.
We changed the topic and he changed his drink to a rum, his favorite. We kept talking, only to be interrupted by him from time to time making loud inappropriate English comments to the trunky Ecuadorian women walking by. They do not understand a word he says but they know enough not to look his way.
Next he goes into a nice piece about a guy that owns an electronics store in town. I will summarize it for you. Basically the very nice man, who is friends with Ted over the past 4 years, would take his shop's earnings every Monday to the bank after work. That, according to Ted, was his first mistake. Two Colombians guys came up to him one Monday evening and demanded the money but the owner would not give it up without a fight. 4 shots to the belly later and the Colombians are off and running with the cash. They end up on a public bus and decide to rob them all as well. In the may-lay that ensued, somehow, the men were unarmed and the police show up and surround the bus. The men are taken into custody in the back of a pick-up truck and driven into the center of town where the mob patiently awaited their arrival. They men are pulled from the truck, doused in gasoline and set on fire. Ted tells this story with the utmost pride and he WISHED he could have been there to throw the match on those guys.
¨How can you be certain that those were they guys? The weapon was never found,¨ was my concerned question.
¨I am certain and I think what they did was 100% right. Those guys, if convicted, would have gotten 8 years and only served 5 years. He was a great great man that they shot,¨ was his passionate reply.
¨Ok, lets say the mob was right this time, but how about a philosophical question,¨ and this I realized was going to fall on deaf ears the moment those words fell out of my mouth, ¨Lets say the mob is right 9 our of 10 times and the 10th time an innocent man gets set on fire. Do you have a problem with that?¨
¨First of all, they had the right men. The guy that poured the gas on the guys saw him pull the trigger, and secondly let me tell you another story... (obviously not answering my question in the least but I am now curious about this new story),¨ Ted makes a long obvious pause staring at the table, he lifts his glass to eye level and says to himself and to the glass, ¨AH, HELL...I told myself I wouldn´t, but the alcohol...¨ and he trails off.
Ted is noticeably restless with himself in the chair, but he takes another sip of rum and starts, ¨35 miles outside Memphis, Tenn was living this sweet blond girl who was a friend of mine. This was in the middle of nowhere. To protect herself I taught her how to shoot a .45. I took her into the woods and got her confident enough to fully unload all the chambers in a crouched position. My instructions to her were to go to a corner and unload.
Well, I got a phone call some time later and I came over to her house. There laying on the floor was a black man filled with bullets and the only thing the girl could say in her shock was, ¨I didn`t know it was going to be so loud!¨ because we had practiced outside and not indoors. Now what do you do in that situation? Call the cops? Hell no. We took him out back and buried him, then replaced the door that had a few bullets lodged in it where she had missed. That is what you do. No questions asked. That poor girl would have gone to jail and what we did was right.¨
I took a look at Ted`s hands. What have those hands done in this lifetime? He has just admitted to a complete stranger after a few hours of conversation that he buried a man, so I am quite certain he has killed. This story was obviously not up for debate whether he did right or wrong. He did the right thing is all he wants to hear, but I cannot help myself, ¨Well, I will tell you right now. I am a pussy. I would not have buried the guy. I would have called the cops and let them sort it out. You did what you thought was best.¨
¨Damn straight, and it was right. That poor girl would have gone to jail.¨
I am thinking a blond girl killing a black guy going into her house in Tennessee would be an open and shut case, but what do I know?
I wrapped up that conversation with a comment about wanting to see the tortoise at the school and I headed off wondering how many people like Ted roam the streets. A lot.
Caption "This tortoise was my excuse for a somewhat graceful getaway from the conversation. He looks like the tortoise from The Neverending Story, right? Look at that wise old eye. His eyes are 105 years old."
Caption "This tortoise was my excuse for a somewhat graceful getaway from the conversation. He looks like the tortoise from The Neverending Story, right? Look at that wise old eye. His eyes are 105 years old." 
